Colonel H. Gentleman's Private Notes

Imbibe my wisdom, or ask me a question.

Ice cream flavors Colonel Gentleman would sell if he had an ice cream truck

1. Rum Raisin
2. Rainbow Sherbet
3. Summer Strawberries & Cream on a Warm July Day
4. Banana
5. Smooth Moroccan Caramel
6. French Vanilla Vixen
7. Butterscotch Blonde
8. Dark Chocolate Temptress
9. Colombian Coffee Picker
10. Breast Milk

Colonel Gentleman’s List of Sex Moves He Started in the 80’s

  1. The “Rusty Venture”
  2. The “Upside-down Egg Beater”
  3. "Taint-ed Love"
  4. “Joseph’s Dirty Secret”
  5. “Eat Me Out Before You Go-Go”
  6. “Two Texans and a Monkey”
  7. The “Banana Split”
  8. "The Hundred Acre Wood"
  9. "Kiki’s Delivery Service"
  10. The “Tea Cozy”

Colonel Gentleman’s repulsive weeds that make him want to set fire to his entire garden

  1. Pearlwort
  2. Spineless Saltwort
  3. Farash
  4. Minor Naiad
  5. Old-Man-in-the-Spring
  6. Suckling Clover
  7. Devil’s Fingers
  8. Cumbungi
  9. Long-Stalked Rape
  10. Assfoot

Colonel Gentleman’s favorite small mammals

  1. Koala Bears
  2. Capuchin Monkeys
  3. Pikas
  4. White Mice
  5. Chinchillas
  6. Minks
  7. Foxes
  8. Armadillos
  9. Beagles
  10. Schnauzers

Colonel Gentleman’s favorite adjectives that describe a bowl of dried dates

  1. Shriveled
  2. Crinkled
  3. Tender
  4. Moist
  5. Squishy
  6. Sugary
  7. Aromatic
  8. Delectable
  9. Satiating
  10. Sultry

Lately Kiki and I have been taking long, sweaty constitutionals on our tandem bicycle in the blazing Moroccan sun. Hours of ceaseless leg pumping and the sound of lips sucking on the plastic teet of a water bottle, then releasing with a wet smack. This is certainly a season of endless pleasures.

Colonel Gentleman’s favorite snack foods

  1. Mallomars
  2. Scooby Doo Gummy Treats
  3. Cinnamon Tic Tacs
  4. Chiclets
  5. Pirate’s Booty
  6. Freeze Pops
  7. Takoyaki
  8. Scorpion on a Stick
  9. Fried Alligator
  10. Ground Liver

Colonel Gentleman’s nicknames for a pet goldfish

  1. Goldie Hawn
  2. Jeff Goldblum
  3. Goldfinger
  4. Señor Fishy
  5. Fish of Fury
  6. Poseidon, Grand Ruler of the Seas
  7. Gillbert
  8. Mr. Slippysides
  9. Sergeant Bubbles
  10. Frank

aliseratliff-deactivated2012083 asked: What do you think about Sean Connery?

Ahh, it’s been a long time since I heard that name. Those who knew him well called him Tommy. I spent some time in Edinburgh where I befriended Tommy while he was working at the King’s Theatre, which had just received a fantastic makeover the likes of which I could not have dreamed in my fleeting youth. He was a tall, steel-cut man with a passion for physical toil and an insatiable appetite. We spent countless hours wandering along the edges of the Water of Leith with the other theatre lads, chucking stones at unlucky fish and filling the cool air with easy laughter. We grew very close, he and I. And damn, what a handsome body.

Colonel Gentleman’s favorite bathtime songs

  1. Singin’ in the Bathtub
  2. Singin’ in the Rain
  3. Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on my Head
  4. It’s Raining Men
  5. I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles
  6. Under the Sea
  7. Beyond the Sea by Bobby Darin
  8. Octopus’s Garden by The Beatles
  9. Come Sail Away by Styx
  10. Theme from Jaws